Chapter 6 - Ichi Rittoru No Namida (Part 7)

Limits

People often say that the beginning of the rainy season is a bad time for sick people. And in my case I'm getting worse and worse as if I'm falling down the stairs.

-I have diarrhea, my body feels dull. Dehydrated?

-My hips are unsteady.

-It's difficult to swallow.

-I fall over and my lips bleed.

-It's difficult to read characters and see other objects. Everything is out of focus.

I was contacted about the festival they're holding at the boarding school, but I don't have any energy at all to go.

My disease has developed too far.

The days when I don't write at all have been increasing.

I can't use a ballpoint pen well... I want to think it's because I haven't been writing much.

I may not last much longer...

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Chapter 6 - Ichi Rittoru No Namida (Part 6)

A Traffic Accident

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT... Ako was injured and entered hospital. On her way home on her bicycle, she was hit by a car that didn't stop where it was supposed to. She was taken to hospital by ambulance. Will she be all right? I don't know what to do. I can only pray for her...

Mom came back from the hospital. Ako has broken two bones in her right leg. She'll have to have an operation once the swelling goes down. Mom said Ako was crying as she did her best to endure the pain, and kept saying, "Mom, I'm sorry about this."

"It was a good thing that she didn't hurt her head. I was really relieved," Mom said quietly. She looked smaller somehow or other.

"Please take me to see her," I said.

"I'll take you when her operation's over and she starts smilingm" Mom replied. "If you start crying, it may make her injury hurt more. So you'll have to wait for a while."

Oh I feel like flying to Ako and saying, "Ako-chan, hang in there!"

My brother dropped by the hospital on his way back from school, but he didn't tell me how she was. Is she that seriously hurt? I really want to eat some sweetened adzuki beans, but I'll be patient until Ako gets better. Hang in there, Ako-chan!

Is Mom all right? She doesn't seem to be sleeping much.

"Mom, I'm anxious about Ako, but I can't do anything," I said.

"Please don't fall over and hurt your self," she replied.

"That's the best thing you can do to help."

It seemed to me a rather passive way to help, but I nodded. Then I said, "Yes, I can see that. I know I won't be able to see Ako until I stop crying. But I'll try hard not to cry, so please take me to see her."

Rika suddenly said, "Ah, I want to die!"

I go serious just hearing the word 'die'. Even when I threatened her by saying "It'll hurt you know," she said,

"That's OK." When I said, in haste, "You won't be able to go on any picnics," she finally said, "I don't like the sound of that. I won't die then."

She wasnt seriously saying that, of course, but I was kind of seirously trying to stop her.

A breeze is blowing-you can feel the arrival of spring. Even the grass shoots are growing rapidly. I can't scretch my left Achilles tendon very well, and it's difficult to sit-maybe because I didn't do much exercise during the cold das. I've also developed a phobia about going to the toilet. I often get stiff shoulders and feel uncofortable because I don't sweat, even when it's hot. My tounge's movement's poor and I can't even lick a soft ice cream. I guess that's part of the reason I'm having difficulty speaking.

Yamaguchi-san's brother brought a new car. He invited me out for a drive. That was really unexpected!

It was a beautiful spring day. The shepherd's purses, Chinese milk vetch, dandelions, and early clovers were all beautiful. I wanted to make a ring of flowers, but I couldn't do it by myself. I felt embarrassed to ask a man, so I didn't. I found one clover which was sticking out over a ditch. Worried it might fall in, I peered over at it. But it was all right because it had a big root. I felt it must be strong as long as it has that support.

We dropped by Yamaguchi-san's house on the way back. He played his electric guitar. It was a very powerful sound. He said he's deeply into guitar-playing now. He wants to have more equipment, but, he said, "The money comes first, and everything else follows."

In my case, "A sound body comes first, and everything else follows."

That's more difficult than money.

"Mom, I Can't Walk Any More."

A baby sits when it;'s around eight months old, crawls when it's ten months old, and walks when it's over one year old. I used to walk, then I gradually went back to crawling, and now I'm sitting most of the tim1! I'm degenerating. And some day, I suppose, I'll be bedridden...

Is it only a matter of me being patient? One year ago, I could stand, I could talk and I could laugh. Now, I can't walk, however much I try, however much I grit my teeth and try to hold on with a frown.

'Mom, I can't walk anymore,' I wrote on a piece of paper, restraining my tears. 'I can't stand even if I hold on to something.'

I opened the door slightly and gave it to her. I closed the door again quickly because I didn't want her to see my face, and I knew it would be painful to see Mom's face.

I crawled three meters to the toilet. The corridor was chilly. The soles of my feet are soft like a normal palm of the hand. But my palms and knees are hard like a normal sole of the foot. Crawling's not a nice thing to do, but it can't be helped. It's the only way I can move around...

I felt somebody behind me. I stopped and looked back... There was Mom crawling behind me, without saying anything... Her tears were falling to the floor... All my suppressed emotions suddenly burst out and I started crying.

Mom held me tightly and let me cry as I wished. Her knees were soaking wet with my tears, and her tears wet my hair.

"Aya, we're sad, but we'll keep going, OK? I am with you. Now, let's go back to your room before your bottom gets cold. I'm strong enough to carry you on my back. Even if we have an earthquake or a fire, I'll help you first. Don't worry and sleep tight. There's no need to think about unnecessary things."

Then she carried me back to my room in her arms.

I've become a person who can do nothing but weep and whimper. The lump of an inferiority complex is growing inside my brain. I think it's a product of being disabled. But I'm still alive. I'm continuing to breathe in order to live - because I can't die, and nothing can be done about me. That's a dreadful way to say it. When I cry, I get wrinkles on my eyebrows and my face becomes ugly. To improve my face when I look in the mirror, I try to grin even though there's nothing funny.

Let's Live

I want to inhale the blue sky with all my might;

A refreshing cool mint breeze will gently caress my cheeks.

Scattered white clouds reflected in your clear crystal eyes.

I've been dreaming of this wonderful moment...

I want to jump up toward the blue sky with all my might;

A robe of cobalt blue feathers will gently envelop me.

Without thinking I am ugly,

Earnestly believing that I may be useful somewhere.

Where do you think I should go?

Always crying by myself,

My notebook is my friend;

Answers it cannot give me,

But my spirit is lifted when I write.

I am asking for a helping hand,

But I can neither reach out nor touch;

My voice only echoes, yelping into darkness.

Evolution from monkey to human took an incredibly long time,

But degeneration is so fast...

I dislike being alone during the daytime. Afraid I may no longer be able to talk, I read picture books aloud and do vocal exercises. Today I did deep breathing give times and streched my neck ten times.

Mom says that I shouldn't try to do too much even when I'm on my own. She thinks it's dangerous. She's always worried until she comes home and sees me. Although those words would make my life ven more passive, I can see they're reasonable because in fact I do fall over - my lips get swollen and I break my teeth.

Worried about me being alone, Jun-chan and her mother sometimes come to see me. The middle aged woman from next door also pops in to see what's happening. But my heart's not satisfied. It's very hard to live through each day without any purpose. I can only think about odds and ends in my head, but I can'tdo anything. How long will this life go on?... Mom, I'm in pain. Please help me...

Now that it's also dangerous for me to take a bath on my own, either Mom or Ako comes in with me, wearing shorts. Ako washes my hair and my back. I can't raise my right arm any more. It seems my shoulder joints have stiffened up.

Message to Dr. Yamamoto

You said "Vakye what's left rather than what's lost."

The light will shine some day, and the green buds will appear...

Have hope, look toward the future, and stand up, keep going don't give up...

Those are the passwords!

"Nothing will come back even if you grieve over it,"

said the doctor I trust. "Develop what's left more than what's lost."

I'll try to keep going.

I swear I won't get depressed...

It's started to rain.

I envy the changeable nature of the weather...

But people can't live being so changeable, can they?

-The contents are irresponsible

-My mind's sloppy

-My writing's shaky

Nothing's any good, you idiot!

So what would you say is left for me?

I had a dream that my family went on a trip to a place that you couldn't go to in a wheelchair.

"Have a nice time," I could say with a smile. "I'll be waiting for you here at home."

I think things like that may become more frequent. I want to be ready for when they become reality.

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Chapter 6 - Ichi Rittoru No Namida (Part 5)

Class Reunion

Five teachers from the boarding school, as well as 17 students and their parents, gathered at the restaurant called Inaka. I was happy to see everyone looking well. Before the dishes were served, everyone stood on the veranda chatting in the warm sunlight. I was the only one sitting.

Suzuki-sensei came over and sat down cross-legged beside me. Our eye level became the same. He gave me a handkerchief, saying it was a souvenir from Singapore. As usual his eyes were gentle like those of an elephant. Yo-chan gave me a book she'd bought using the wages from her job - Cherry-chan to Einstein boya (Cherry and the Young Einstein) by Teruko Ohashi. We ate to our hearts' content and laughed happily.

"It's been a while since we ate a full-course Japanese meal and saw everyone, isn't it?" Mom said later."We can enjoy a lot of good things if we're alive, can't we?"

"Yes, we can," I answered.

If someone only says one or two words a day, can you say that they are really leading a life as a member of society?... I'm becoming that kind of person.

If someone can't do anything by themselves, and has to have other people look after them inorder to live, can you say they are leading a social life?... I'm that person.

I want to be useful to other people. --> I will at least try to do my own things so that I won't disturb other people. --> I can't live unless I have someone to look after me. --> I'll become a greater burden on other people...

That's the story of my life!

It's snowing. Even with the electric heater on full (oil heaters irritate my throat, so only in my room there'san electric heater) and warming my self in the kotatsu, I feel chilled to the bone.

I started reading Hashi no nai kawa (The River with No Bridge) by Sue Sumii at the New Year. I finished five volumes at a stretch. I easily get totally absorbed. It's a bad habit. I even skipped training to read it. The air was cold when I went out into the corridor. I felt a chill. I put on a short padded jacket in an attempt to avoid getting a cold. But I sensed danger because my body's so stiff. I've decided to eat my meals in my room while it's cold. I feel lonely when someone brings me my food and I eat it all on my own, but sometimes my brothers and sisters come and eat with me.

To tell the truth, I don't like sleeping and eating in the same place.

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Chapter 6 - Ichi Rittoru No Namida (Part 4)

Cruel Words

At last I've been 'referred to.'

Mom and I had gone to the hospital for an examination. I almost fell over int he toilet and Mom was supporting me. I was desperately holding onto her.

Beside me, a woman in her 30s wearing clothes with a red check pattern whispered to her little boy: "Unless you're good, you'll become like her.

Her comment made me feel very sad and miserable.

Mom cheered me up by saying, "Well, if she raises her child by saying things like that, when she grows older and has troubles with her own body, she may realize her teaching was wrong and the fact that she wasn't a good mother has come back to haunt her."

I guess I'll have to face this kind of incident more frequently in the future. When young children encounter someone different from themselves, they get interested and stare. It can't be helped. But it was the first time I've been treated by an adult as raw material for child discipline. That was rough on me.

My family reckoned I must feel lonely being all by myself during the day, so they got me a cat. It's quickly become attached to me. It comes into my futon or inside the kotatsu with me. And it sits on my knees. It's very cute. When Rika holds it, she hugs it tightly;it doesn't like that and tries to escapes from her. Then she pulls its tail and tries to put it on her own knees, no matter how much effort it takes. It refuses more and more. Then Rika gets angry. In the end, she hits it. I tell her off, saying she shouldn't hit it. I tell her off, saying she shouldn't hit it. Rika glares at me and then starts hitting me.

"Don't you dare!" I say, pretending to be angry with her.

Rika jeers at me, saying, "Aya's angry, Aya's angry!"

"If you say so.:

I told Mom.

I'm 19 years and 5 months old; Rika is 5 years and 7 months old.

I'm living the life of an old woman: no youth, no energy to live, nothing to live for, no goals to work toward... All I have is my deteriorating body. Why do I have to be alive? On the contrary, I want to live. The only things I enjoy are eating, reading and writing. I wonder what other 19-years-old enjoy?

When I had my last medical examination, I was told to enter the hospital again after the New Year. I'm scared because I'monly getting worse and there's no sign of recovery. WhenI think about that, I can't help crying. Thrashing about in the darkness... Is that my life? Damn! Showing my defiance, saying "What's wrong with being 19 years old?" or "What's wrong with being 20 y ears old?" won't lead anywwhere.

When I cry everyone gets depressed. When I cry, I get stuffed-up nose and a headache and I feel tired. So why do I cry? I have nothing to aim to finish-neither a job nor a hobby. Unable to love anyone or stand on my own... I'm wailing.

I look at my tear-filled face int he mirror.

Aya, why do you cry?

I had instant rament noodles for lunch today - -known for the slogan 'Just add hot water and it's ready in three minutes.' Because I can't sip soup well, I choke easily. It's very painful, you know. If I choked and couldn't breathe when nobody was with me, it could be fatal.

Chika-chan, my senior at boarding school, had polio. She drooled a lot, but she could drink trea from a teacup. Ikeguchi-kun used a straw. Why can't I drink without dripping? Maybe it's because the muscles I use to swallow has weakened. Today I concentrated on my mouth. Like drinking sake from a small cup, I tried to sip it little by little. I didn't choke, so I was happy.

There's another thing I felt happy about. Up to now, I coudln't do something that to most people is a matter of course. It's embarrassing to write this, butbecause I often couldn't get to the toilet in time, I had to keep changing my underwear. I realized the caouse of the problem: I only started moving after nature called, but I couldn't move fast enough. So I decided I should go to the toilet regularly at fixed times. And it worked! - now I can manage without any accidents! I'm so happy, I want to tell someone. But it's not the kind of thing you can tell to everyone, so I'm secretly enjoying my success.

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